SUBJECTS OF CONVERSATION THAT MAY HELP YOU TO UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER BETTER

Here are some suggestions for general subjects of conversation that may help you lead on to more precise issues without shocking your partner:
The notion of original sin, the basic religious principle in sexual matters, has been poisoning the sex lives of men and women since Adam and Eve. Is it a sin to make love?
Is it reprehensible to seek pleasure for pleasure's sake? For those who believe in a creator, did He really mean pleasure to be only a kind of compensation for an act whose sole purpose is to reproduce - or indeed an incentive to reproduce?
Can women really be divided into two categories, the whores and the "honest women"? Surely that is too dualistic; there are all shades between the two. Among prostitutes there are those who turn ten tricks a night in a brothel, those who work for a pimp and weekenders who do it for pin money. Among the "honest women" there are those who marry for money, others who have a day-time lover while their husband is at the office.
When one loves someone, is one seeking in them the same qualities one possesses oneself, or precisely the qualities one lacks? Or does one accept the other as they are?
Why do women attach so much importance to their virginity? Does this not very often prevent them from fully enjoying their first sexual experiences?
Don't they see their first relations with a man as a kind of "rape by consent"?
Since the seventies there has been much talk of a "sexual revolution". Has there really been a revolution or only superficial changes?
Men and women see rape differently. A man would never complain of having been raped; men even tend to say it is a shame it doesn't happen all the time!
Rape is, and should be, severely punished. But surely it should be punished not for its sexual aspect but as a form of coercion, an infringement of individual freedom? And what about "conjugal rape"? The great religions do not recognize conjugal rape, which contradicts the notion of conjugal duty.
Men and women arc more or less introvert or extrovert according to their nature. Which is better: to tell all or to hide all? What are the foreseeable consequences in each case?
Egoism plays a predominant part in what we call love. When we say "I love you", the unconscious, underlying thought is "I would like you to love me". To love is an active verb, it ought to express the desire to do something to someone, not the reverse.
These are just a few examples. You should be prepared to discuss them freely, frankly and without false modesty.
The end purpose of these conversations is obvious: sex is an important part of our lives, and it remains so for many years. It is natural and desirable to talk about it. One can never talk about it too much. And anyone who says you are obsessed with sex because you talk about it is someone to be avoided.
Of everything I have said above, the most important points to remember are these:
To find out all you can about sex is a positive step. You must want to look at everything connected with sexuality. This does not mean you will necessarily want to put into practice everything you learn about. It means you want to free yourself from ignorance. If one does not know about a thing, one cannot form an opinion about it - only a preconceived idea. And preconceived ideas are often wrong ideas.
Complete knowledge about sex will not only be of immediate practical value in your sex life. It will also reveal to you unusual possibilities you would not have thought of on your own. Some you may consider perverted (and perhaps they arc so). But knowing about them will change your initial judgment. You will ask yourself questions. You will wonder where normality ends and perversion begins. Your answers will no doubt vary with time and circumstances, and also as you take account of your partner's desires and fantasies. Knowing what other people do in their sex lives, even a minority of "other people", will help you develop your own sex life more freely, without guilt. This development is necessary; otherwise love very soon becomes a mechanical routine and loses much of its interest.
Finding out about sexuality must be a joint project for the couple. It is important for both to be at the same level in both knowledge and practice. Nothing weakens a couple more than the habit many men adopt of reading sex books or magazines in secret, or going on their own to see erotic or pornographic films.
Making love is not enough. One must also talk about it, often, going right to the bottom of things. This is the best way of making oneself understood, smoothing out differences of opinion, reassessing judgments, and adapting one's behaviour to one's partner's needs and desires.
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