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THE SECRET OF INTIMACY: FAIRNESS

Intimate partners are fair in their dealings with each other. They create a life that does not overwhelm either of them in proportion to what the other is willing to do. I do not mean that intimate relationships always follow a fifty-fifty split of tasks or obligations. Few marital tasks are traded off on a fifty-fifty basis in most households. For example, in most marriages, one person nearly always cuts the grass while another person nearly always cooks the meals. The division of labor is fairly constant for most couples.
The fairness in intimate marriages has to do with each partner being valued for his or her contribution to the relationship. No one person's contributions are considered more important to the overall workings of the marriage than the others. Correspondingly, intimate partners do not treat one partner's stress, thoughts, or preferences as more important than the other's.
This spirit of fairness is obvious in intimate marriages in many different ways. For example, a husband may depend on his wife to be the family nurturer. In an intimate marriage, this husband does not believe that his career stress is more important or painful than the stress caused to his wife by endless shopping, cooking, chauffeuring, and remembering everyone's birthdays. The wife in this marriage, on the other hand, does not discount the importance of her husband's contributions to their life together. She values him as an active member of the family team, even though his work schedule may make him relatively unavailable for the shopping, cooking, and chauffeuring that fills daily family living.
Intimate partners set up areas of responsibility and then express appreciation to each other for their teamwork. They do not blame each other when they feel overwhelmed with responsibilities and stress. Intimate partners seem to understand that a given day's stress is not necessarily due to some lack of effort or cooperation on the part of the spouse. In marriage and family living, there is more than 200 percent of "stuff" to do in any given time period. Therefore, some tasks always remain undone, even if both partners exert 100 percent effort all the time. Intimate partners are fair and gracious about appreciating each other's efforts toward managing their complex life.
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