THE SECRET OF INTIMACY: FORGIVENESS

Because none of us is perfect, we are certain to make mistakes. As individuals and as couples, we sometimes simply make poor choices. We choose as wisely as we can, sometimes to discover later that a different choice would have been better. We sometimes are mean and unfair to each other. We sometimes behave selfishly with no justification. We sometimes are insensitive to the needs of our partner, and we sometimes are aware of our partner's needs but choose not to respond lovingly.
These "sometimes" occurrences do not make us all lousy individuals and mates. Even the most intimate marriages are often clouded by less than perfect relationship events. But intimate partners do not let such mistakes and painful relationship events turn into intimacy-diminishing processes in their marriage. They apologize to each other, and they forgive—they forgive each other and they forgive themselves.
Unhealthy relationships, on the other hand, have a cancer called resentment. Resentment results from clinging to anger. Resentment is fueled by blaming. Partners in dying relationships remind me of a seventy-eight-year-old woman I once knew who had fiery black eyes and one motto in life: "Find out who's to blame, and blame that sucker!" Couples who live in a spirit of forgiveness are able to heal wounds and soothe hurts with relatively little effort. In contrast, it is exhausting and demoralizing to live with someone who does not forgive. I periodically treat couples who change greatly in response to marital therapy but remain miserable. Such people can learn to enhance their communication styles. They can learn to solve problems more fruitfully and to make love more pleasurably. They can learn to understand themselves and each other with more psychological sophistication. They can do all this right stuff, but their efforts do not bear fruit because they do not forgive. Forgiving is like casting away a hot ember that has been placed in your hand. Letting go of this pain frees you to create and to enjoy the balm of continued intimate connection.
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EPILEPSY AND PREGNANCY

Women with epilepsy are quite often concerned about getting pregnant. There appear to be five reasons for this concern. They wish to know:
if they are likely to hand their epilepsy on to their children;
whether their fits will get worse during pregnancy;
whether it is safe for the baby that the mother should take anticonvulsants drugs during pregnancy;
if there will be any problems in the newborn baby from these drugs;
if they can safely breast feed the baby.
With regard to handing on epilepsy to one’s children – as mentioned earlier, if one parent has epilepsy, the chances of one of the children having epilepsy are no greater than in the population at large. If both parents have epilepsy, it would appear that the risk of a child having epilepsy is about 10 per cent. So in fact the chance of a child inheriting epilepsy, particularly idiopathic epilepsy, is negligible.
As far as seizures during pregnancy are concerned, the situation is not as clear as it might be. There is evidence that for some women, seizure control may deteriorate, while for others there may in fact be no change or even an improvement. A patient told me recently that “she would like to remain pregnant forever” as she had not had a single fit during her pregnancy, compared with six fits in the preceding nine months!
As a general working rule, it is suggested that people who have more than one grand mal fit a month are those who are most likely to have a deterioration in seizure control during pregnancy. The deterioration, if it occurs, is most likely during the first three months of pregnancy. There are a number of theories why this may happen, but none has been proved. It may be of value to check the blood anticonvulsant levels during pregnancy, especially if there is a deterioration in seizure control. The blood levels may fall, necessitating an increase in dosage during the pregnancy.
The main concern for parents is whether the anticonvulsants can harm the unborn baby (foetus). It is known by most people with epilepsy that this is a potential hazard. The effects include physical abnormalities in the baby, a process known as teratogenesis. Abnormalities have been reported in the offspring of mothers on all the commonly used anticonvulsants with the exception of carbamazepine. This is particularly applicable to phenytoin, barbiturates and sodium valproate. Babies born to mothers who have been on carbamazepine have not been shown to have any physical abnormalities, but have a smaller head size than other babies. This has not been shown to be any handicap to the babies who have been followed up for five years.
The risk of abnormalities in the baby is difficult to assess, but it seems to be most common in mothers on polytherapy (receiving numerous drugs), especially if they are on three or more anticonvulsants. The risk in mothers on phenytoin, with or without other medications, appears to be about a 10% chance of the baby showing features of the ‘foetal hydantoin’ syndrome. This syndrome consists of cleft palate, abnormalities of the fingers, possible heart abnormalities and mild mental retardation. Thus, at present, if it is possible, it would seem wise to try to change patients over to carbamazepine before conception. This may not be possible in all patients and, of course, many women will first visit their doctor when already pregnant, at which time there is no purpose in making the change.
Anticonvulsants taken by the mother during pregnancy may have some effects on the baby immediately after birth, as they are transmitted to the baby across the placenta. These include the possibility of a mild bleeding tendency and some drowsiness. In mothers who have been taking barbiturates, the infant may occasionally show features of a withdrawal reaction with irritability, jitteriness and poor sucking. None of these features is [...]

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