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THE SECRET OF INTIMACY: SUMMARY

Couples who know the secret of keeping intimacy alive are able to remain in Good Enough Territory and have a reasonably happy and healthy marriage. Such a marriage—what I call "a healing marriage"—is a great aid to coping with the stresses of illness and rehabilitation. In a healing marriage,

  1. You accept the challenge of making your relationship a place of nurturing for each other, both in reacting to your partner's childhood wounds and in reacting to your partner's daily stresses.
  2. You accept that marriages—like individuals—grow and change, and you never stagnate in your willingness to discover new aspects of each other.
  3. You take responsibility for being honest with your partner about what you think, feel, need and want—both on a daily basis and on broad levels regarding what is important to you in your life.
  4. You train yourself to behave constructively when relating to your spouse. Rather than getting stuck in destructive ways of communicating, you listen, empathize, and compromise.
  5. You privately and publicly convey respect for your partner's thoughts, feelings, needs, and wishes, and you openly let the world know that you value and are proud of your mate.
  6. You acknowledge your own negative personality traits, weaknesses, and insecurities, and you work honestly in your efforts to control your defensiveness about them and your tendency to blame your partner for your own struggles.
  7. You learn to avoid power-struggle tactics for getting your own needs met, and you replace them with more direct, honest, and fair methods of getting your basic needs and desires satisfied by your mate.
  8. You learn to develop within yourself the abilities and traits that you need to feel like a more complete person, rather than relying on your partner to make up your personality deficits for you.
  9. You learn to be less driven by stress and frustration, more gentle and forgiving in your dealings with the people in your life, and more balanced in attending to the work and fun aspects of your life.
  10. You accept the fact that keeping the spirit of healing alive in your marriage won't happen naturally; it will involve consciously working together to maintain a loving teamwork.
Our discussion of healthy marriages has thus far omitted a crucial ingredient: sex. Many people believe that sexual compatibility is the most important aspect of marital intimacy. This notion is certainly open to debate, but professionals in the field of marital therapy have repeatedly noted that sexual issues are among the concerns most frequently mentioned by couples at all stages of marriage. As will be seen in the following chapter, attending to this very important aspect of marriage is a crucial part of cardiac rehabilitation.
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