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THE SECRET OF INTIMACY: TRUST

Intimacy and trust have a circular relationship in marriages: we most trust those with whom we have intimacy, and we develop intimacy only with people we trust. Contrary to popular notions, I find that trust is typically neither gained nor lost in marriages through single events. Some events, such as extramarital affairs, certainly do take a tremendous toll on the trust factor in a marriage. However, trust is more often maintained or eroded in marriage by less dramatic, day-to-day patterns of interaction than by dramatic or traumatic events.
For intimate partners, trust is the by-product of the workings of the marriage. They avoid the trust-thwarting trap of acting as though their relationship is a power struggle over who is right and who is wrong. Rather, intimate partners act as though each of them has thoughts, impressions, and preferences that make sense, even if their opinions differ. These people validate each other. In so doing, they begin to trust each other. Put another way, we trust people who show that they can see the world through our eyes even though the world looks different from their own perspective.
For example, a trust-generating response would be: "I know it must seem to you that I don't care as much as I used to. As much as I've been worrying about my health, I haven't paid much attention to you. Your feelings make sense in reaction to my behaviors, but my behaviors are giving a false message. I do still love you, I just haven't been showing that love to you as much as I should and as much as I want to."
On the other hand, a trust-squelching response might be: "What are you talking about? Of course I still care about you. You're just feeling insecure and imagining things. You act paranoid every month right before your period starts. Don't take it out on me."
Your partner's perceptions will surely contain at least a few kernels of truth, if not a bushel basketful. To maintain trust, validate the accurate aspects of your partner's impressions. Then share other information needed for your partner truly to understand your perspective.
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